My Broken Heart

I hoped that this post would be an exciting announcement of my new adventure in life. Instead of sharing with the world my good news I am sharing my heart ache. Last week during a 7 ½ week OB appointment we hoped to see a strong heart beat and a growing baby but what we found was no heart beat and no growth. A week ago today I was having the first surgery of my life and experiencing a loss like none I have ever had. I have known people that have had miscarriages. I imagined that it would be hard but I completely underestimated how hard it would be.

Learning that I was pregnant changed me in an instance. From the moment I saw the blue line I was completely in love. On day one I envisioned my baby, 10 fingers, 10 toes, tiny and squishy. I never thought about it as a clump of cells. It was my baby, and I immediately started planning for my life to change. It was so natural. It felt right. I have wanted to be a mom for my entire life. I felt like my time had come for all my dreams to come true.

When we first found out there may be a problem I was so scared, but we remained hopeful. Ryan really encouraged me and held my hand through the fear and pain. He kept reminding me to stay positive, and no matter what happened God had a plan. When the doctor finally said, “there is no heart beat” I was crushed. It hurt so bad. I didn’t think it would hurt like it did. It felt like someone died. I dreaded the surgery. Having the surgery meant that I would no longer have my baby. It was there with me. For weeks, I felt like I was holding and protecting it. And having the surgery meant I was losing my baby and I would never hold it in my arms. I had to let go of something I loved so fiercely in such a short amount of time. This week has been hard. My body feels empty and at times I fell overcome with grief. I never thought I would miss morning sickness and all the other fun things that came along with being pregnant. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is feeling guilty for being so sad. My baby never had a heartbeat. There are women that have gone through so much worse losing children at various stages. I know it could have been much worse. Feeling guilty makes me feel isolated in grief (even though I have an amazing husband that has been my rock through the whole thing). Feeling alone and broken is the more than anyone should have to take. So I’m sharing this experience with you.

When I started this new blog, my goal was to share my experiences so that maybe someone could find hope in my journey. Obviously since I just happened last week I am in the very early stages of grieving. I have a long way to go, and I plan to share all the ugly details with you. Rest in the fact that, even in week one, I can see blessing. I feel like Ryan and I have gotten closer. I am so thankful that God had me wait for him. (I could go on for day about my sweet husband but I will spare you that for now) I have already been able to grow closer to God. He has not stopped answering prayers. We have grown closer to friends as we reach out to people in need. I have learned so much about a lot of different things. This is the beginning of my journey in figuring out how to take care of myself. There is no better way to learn how to take care of yourself than in a place of feeling completely broken. I hope that someone can look at my brokenness and find peace and hope.

**Warning this is by no means a literary masterpiece. This is raw and ugly and I could only proof it a few times.