My Broken Heart
Posted on June 2, 2017 4 Comments
I hoped that this post would be an exciting announcement of my new adventure in life. Instead of sharing with the world my good news I am sharing my heart ache. Last week during a 7 ½ week OB appointment we hoped to see a strong heart beat and a growing baby but what we found was no heart beat and no growth. A week ago today I was having the first surgery of my life and experiencing a loss like none I have ever had. I have known people that have had miscarriages. I imagined that it would be hard but I completely underestimated how hard it would be.
Learning that I was pregnant changed me in an instance. From the moment I saw the blue line I was completely in love. On day one I envisioned my baby, 10 fingers, 10 toes, tiny and squishy. I never thought about it as a clump of cells. It was my baby, and I immediately started planning for my life to change. It was so natural. It felt right. I have wanted to be a mom for my entire life. I felt like my time had come for all my dreams to come true.
When we first found out there may be a problem I was so scared, but we remained hopeful. Ryan really encouraged me and held my hand through the fear and pain. He kept reminding me to stay positive, and no matter what happened God had a plan. When the doctor finally said, “there is no heart beat” I was crushed. It hurt so bad. I didn’t think it would hurt like it did. It felt like someone died. I dreaded the surgery. Having the surgery meant that I would no longer have my baby. It was there with me. For weeks, I felt like I was holding and protecting it. And having the surgery meant I was losing my baby and I would never hold it in my arms. I had to let go of something I loved so fiercely in such a short amount of time. This week has been hard. My body feels empty and at times I fell overcome with grief. I never thought I would miss morning sickness and all the other fun things that came along with being pregnant. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is feeling guilty for being so sad. My baby never had a heartbeat. There are women that have gone through so much worse losing children at various stages. I know it could have been much worse. Feeling guilty makes me feel isolated in grief (even though I have an amazing husband that has been my rock through the whole thing). Feeling alone and broken is the more than anyone should have to take. So I’m sharing this experience with you.
When I started this new blog, my goal was to share my experiences so that maybe someone could find hope in my journey. Obviously since I just happened last week I am in the very early stages of grieving. I have a long way to go, and I plan to share all the ugly details with you. Rest in the fact that, even in week one, I can see blessing. I feel like Ryan and I have gotten closer. I am so thankful that God had me wait for him. (I could go on for day about my sweet husband but I will spare you that for now) I have already been able to grow closer to God. He has not stopped answering prayers. We have grown closer to friends as we reach out to people in need. I have learned so much about a lot of different things. This is the beginning of my journey in figuring out how to take care of myself. There is no better way to learn how to take care of yourself than in a place of feeling completely broken. I hope that someone can look at my brokenness and find peace and hope.
**Warning this is by no means a literary masterpiece. This is raw and ugly and I could only proof it a few times.
New Inspiration
Posted on May 6, 2017 2 Comments
I know I am only 3 blog post in to my current blog but I am super excited about it. I love writing. I LOVE the feel of tapping the keys on the key board and seeing my thoughts turn into something of substance, but that is not what really inspired me to get back in to the blogging world. I have finally found some inspiration that I have been searching for. So, I am going to use my blog as a tool to help my inspiration come to life. I have wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I just never could decide on a topic. I would have ideas but never any direction or any idea on how to expound on those ideas. Do to the recent life changing events that moved me from single life to family life my inspiration was born. As I study, research, and talk with people I hope that this will turn into a book to help other people on their way.
For those who don’t know me or my story let me give you a brief history. I grew up in a great home with amazing parents and sister. We were church goers and good citizens in our quiet little north Louisiana town. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted, but life was not always easy for me. I struggled with depression and insecurity from an early age. Over years of this struggle, a divorce, and death of a friend I found myself in a broken place with no hope. I spent about 5 years living a life of chaos, full of bad decisions and self-destructive behavior. I stood on the brink of death and begged it to draw me in until I had an encounter with a Jesus that I had never known before. That encounter was 8 years ago and my life has never been the same.
After that life change I set my eyes on learning how to be a whole person. I wanted to know who I was, what was my purpose, and how to be happy and healthy. Over a 7-year period I learned a lot. I learned how to manage anxiety and depression. I learned how to take care of myself. I set goals, had dreams, and got excited about the future. I learned how to be alone (and I learned I liked being alone). I learned who I was and that I liked me. I become pretty good at knowing how to take care of myself, and considered it a huge life accomplishment. I loved where life had brought me and was making plans for the future. Until life introduced me to these 2 guys that I just couldn’t imagine my life without and I gave up my single life (and dreams) to become a wife and a (bonus) mom. (Someday I will share this story, because it is a good one) And my world was forever changed.
I have officially been a wife and mom for a little over 6 months and I love it but somedays it is hard. It is a momentous change to share your time and to be responsible to people, not to mention the laundry (I mean really does the laundry ever stop?). One of the hardest things for me to adjust to is my self-care routine. When it was just me it was easy to do what I needed. It was easy to be in a quiet place for some good alone time. I could hop in my car at any time for a drive or go on a little walk. The bubble baths and reading time was in plenty. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Things have changed now. I don’t get to have long hours of silence because my family needs to talk to me. I can’t take an hour bubble bath because it is a school night and other people need the hot water. And boiled noodles and a jar of tomato sauce don’t make a spaghetti worthy of calling dinner (not to mention no one wants to eat just that for a week). So figuring out how to take care of myself so that I can be 100% for my family has been my struggle, until it became my inspiration.
Now this is where the blogging comes in. I am on a journey to find out how to take care of myself and my family at the same time. I am going to read books, ask questions, and observe how others do it. I am going to try new things. I will struggle along the way and overcome each failure. I will share that journey with you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Somewhere down the road I have a dream that this journey blossoms into something bigger than this little blog. I hope you follow along and I hope you share with me your experiences and ideas. It should be a fun ride.
Make A Difference
Posted on April 18, 2017 1 Comment
I have a love hate relationship with the news. I have times that I want to know about what is going on in the world and then I have times that I don’t want to know anything. The cycle typically starts when I am reading the news regularly and all I read is disaster, devastation, and complete destruction not to mention the skewed voice of the news provider. I have wished for so long that there was somewhere that you can read about the good things going on in the world. So I have decided to create that place myself. Because here is the thing, the news we are exposed to does not bring positive change to our world. It breeds hate and division. The only thing that can bring about change in the world is to bring change to the world. So I hope that through this I can share some inspiration to you. I will be sharing stories with you of things that I find inspirational or things I have experienced myself.
I will give you an example. My company office is in a complex of 3 pretty large buildings. The building that I am in is the biggest of the 3. It is 5 floors with multiple offices on each floor. There is one security guard that patrols all 3 buildings. From my first day we made friends. He helped me bring in my box of supplies. I start each work day saying hi to James exchanging pleasantries and sometimes even a good side hug. A few weeks ago James was starting his patrol when I turned into the parking lot, and he gave me a little wave as he drove in the opposite direction. About 10 to 15 minutes later there was a knock on my office door. I looked through the peep hole to find James. He came to tell me that he thought one of my tires was low. He walked out to parking lot to show me. Later in the day he came back, because he got off work earlier than me he wanted to make sure that I was not left stranded. That meant the world to me. He took time out of his day to stop what he was doing, find me, and offer to help. It made me think of opportunities like this that I ignored because of an inconvenience to me. Sometimes it only takes a moment to make a difference and only a simple task like holding a door, picking up something that was dropped, or even just saying hi to bring a smile to someone’s day.
I hope that I can share stories like this regularly. If you experience something or see something that is inspiring please share it with me. I would love to include it and continue to try to spread some love around. piecesofcary@gmail.com
Hi there!!!!
Posted on April 14, 2017 Leave a Comment
Welcome to my new blog!!!! I am so excited for this new beginning. I have been thinking about a new start for a while, and I have finally decided that there is no time like now. When I started blogging I was going through some of the darkest times of my life. My blog was an anonymous place to share my hurt and pain. I’m pretty sure no one read it, but it helped putting it out there. I have had a journal since the Lisa Frank lock and key was in vogue, so blogging has been a good fit. Once my life started to take a turn I decided to try blogging out of the shadows. I found some other bloggers, asked questions, and even made some friends. I have never been real consistent with posting, but when I do post it brings me great joy. And I finally feel like I am a place in my life where I have things to contribute to the world with my writing. I have some life experience to draw from, and brand new struggles every day.
The new name of my blog is important to me as well. It took me years to decide on what the perfect blog name would be. In the last 8 years I have been on a journey to discover who I am. That may sound cliché, but that is exactly what it has been. It has not always been an easy road, but it has been worth it. And I have actually learned a lot about myself. I have learned that there are a lot of different things that make me who I am. There are the good, bad, and ugly. Every single piece that I have found is necessary to make me uniquely me. I hope that sharing my pieces helps someone else put their pieces in place. I may never say anything profound here, but I hope you stick around and see how it turns out. Maybe we can both learn something together.
First blog post
Posted on April 13, 2017 Leave a Comment
This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog.
Pieces of Cary 